why couldnt i be a frog
a creature only screams of pain
and fear
not of existential agonies

Do i really need medicine
Do i really need drugs
I dont like needing anything
I dont like weaklings
I feel so limited
So contained
Drained
All i need is a good cry
Wash away the energy before it snaps
The alternative is unthinkable
But it never comes
I am a few bones
And four tablespoons of blood
Not a single drop of tear
So contained
So dry
At the mercy of prescriptions
What do i do that needs rehabilitation
Do rehabs sell souvenirs
Do they take credit cards
Why is my father paying for my pills
My brother for my school
They never bought me anything else
In my entire life
They never needed to
Why is my mother scared of me
Of how i snap every three months
Is it out of respect or guilt
Or is it what it feels like living with a caged lion, smelling of fresh meat?
Why cant i tell anything to my bestfriend
Why do i throw up from anxiety when i think of the man i was in love with for two years
Will seven years of mental treatment take too long
Is this how they tame other schizophrenics
With time and ‘no you cant go to that party’s
With drugs that take an inch of your soul each time
How am i going to get up
Beti said she thinks ive been in a major depression for eighteen years
I am twenty two
Who does that make me
Maybe i wasnt cynical maybe i was just a depressed toddler
Maybe i wasnt careful maybe i was only paranoid
The first week of school
The worst doubt is self doubt
And from there the world crumbles on
All this tension in my veins wont make a dent for survival
I have two hearts and one disease
That changes its form so often
Impossible to catch a glimpse of it
Will the cat i bought in love me
Will i write it poems if it doesnt
Did my poetry keep your love fresh
Or just digestible with a flat taste,
But for longer
Will it get better when i have fair skin and a philosophy degree
Will it only serve oblivion
I dont love you anymore
But thats more of your success than mine
I throw up your name and some vegetables
And pills from two hours ago
My mother cleans them up and cries
I dont have an eye for weakness
My father doesnt have an eye for weakness either
And my brother keeps himself rather busy than responsible
And im left bruised with questions
Every tuesday morning
Trying to find a reason to ditch meeting with beti
Trying to postpone my pill hour
Trying not to hear the voices
Tuning out my own voice in despair
Trying to keep a healthy distance
How am i supposed to stay alive
When i cant stay sane for enough time to know that im not dead
I forget i am not dead
I forget what i sound like
I forget that im not allowed to die
I have a mother to look after
A father to bury
A lover to win over
A brother to reassure
And myself to keep
Children to make
Unborn, marble children to mourn
One lifetime
But not one character
Not enough reasons
Not enough capability
Nor will
Only pills to take
And appointments to make
Home

bbook:

I think Mason says it best—and I believe this with everything in me—he says it about his relationship with Grace but I think it pertains to any relationship, when he says: That’s what this is about. We talk about it so I can hold your hand and walk through shit with you. I think that’s what love is. It has a lot to do with feeling and emotion, but it’s a mixture of that and, I am here with you, like through the shittiest times when you’re psychotic and crazy, I’m still going to be there until we get through the other side. That’s the theme of most relationships in the movie.
DIRECTOR DESTIN CRETTON ON HIS POWERFUL NEW FILM SHORT TERM 12

i had lovers who lacked this and they werent really lovers, they were just the chocolate cake in an otherwise healthy diet.

bbook:

I think Mason says it best—and I believe this with everything in me—he says it about his relationship with Grace but I think it pertains to any relationship, when he says: That’s what this is about. We talk about it so I can hold your hand and walk through shit with you. I think that’s what love is. It has a lot to do with feeling and emotion, but it’s a mixture of that and, I am here with you, like through the shittiest times when you’re psychotic and crazy, I’m still going to be there until we get through the other side. That’s the theme of most relationships in the movie.

DIRECTOR DESTIN CRETTON ON HIS POWERFUL NEW FILM SHORT TERM 12

i had lovers who lacked this and they werent really lovers, they were just the chocolate cake in an otherwise healthy diet.

“He’ll grab your waist and whisper in your ear but six months later you’ll find yourself drunk texting him that you miss him and he won’t respond.”

—(via safeslut)

men are so despicable

(Source: sureth-ng, via iwanttobeeffystonem)

“I’m so odd, and I’m so limited, and I’m so different from the ordinary human being—so you say. I have a strong suspicion that I’m the simplest of you all, and that its my extreme transparency that baffles you. I dont think I ever feel anything but the most ordinary emotions.”

—Virginia Woolf, from a letter to Ethel Smyth (via gebeine)

(Source: violentwavesofemotion, via gebeine)

http://shardeva.tumblr.com/post/82544477570

shardeva:

I don’t remember when you stopped being important. I can’t recall the precise moment you ceased to haunt my thoughts, only that you don’t anymore. You don’t matter at all.

I made myself stop thinking about you. It was hard, but I did it. It was slow at first, but I did it. I erased you.

How…

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